Finding joy in an unexpected pregnancy

I must admit, when choosing "Finding joy in an unexpected pregnancy" as a meeting topic, I was not truly prepared for what my research would glean.  Certainly, I knew that putting the phrase "unexpected pregnancy" in a search was going to yield some discussion about whether or not to keep the baby.  What I did not expect was for almost every single post  to begin with something along the lines of "if you should decide to continue with the pregnancy..."  Now, I'm not here to begin a pro choice vs. pro life debate.  This is a natural childbirth support group, so I'm working with the assumption that you're interested in actually giving birth.  The sore lack of women finding joy in an unexpected circumstance was disheartening to me.  The miracle of a brand new life with a perfectly clean slate and endless possibilities set before him or her is a beautiful and joyous thing, indeed.  Even when it wasn't planned.  My first two pregnancies were very much unplanned and unexpected.  As my daughters grow into young ladies, they bless me and bring joy to me daily.  Even on the tough days.  Sometimes especially on the tough days.

First and foremost, remember that babies are a blessing. No matter when, how or at what time of life, bringing a new life into the world is a beautiful thing,

It's OK if you're not totally excited. Go ahead and grieve a little. Whether you're grieving that you're going to be a first time mom, or unexpectedly adding to your brood, you're not the first mom to have an unexpected pregnancy, and not the first mom not to be totally thrilled about it. Don't, however beat yourself up about it. Don't feel guilty.

Just like in any other traumatic or life-changing event, you may go through the 5 stages of grief.

Denial

Anger

Bargaining

Depression

Acceptance

Hold on to the joyous moments. When I got pregnant with my daughter at 18, most everyone acted like it was the end of the world. Only one person had the initial response of “Congratulations!” I held on to that. Although she was little more than a passing acquaintance, it meant a LOT to me. I was tired of the sober faces and apologies. I was pregnant, and ready to get on with being excited for the new life inside me. My world as I knew it was totally over, but a whole new one as a mother opened up to me.

Surround yourself with these kinds of positive people. You may also need to limit your contact with the other kind of people in your life who are too negative.

Have a snappy comeback for the people who you know are going to say something stupid. “Yes, we know what causes it, and we're good at it!” or “What can I say? He's pretty cute.” Whatever you want. Just don't let those snide little comments get to you. For whatever reason, people seem to think a pregnant woman is carte blanche to say tacky things that they would not otherwise say.

“Discouraged with life in general and feeling somewhat sorry for myself at the time, I will never forget the words of a close friend when I told her that I'd accidentally become pregnant. Her face lit up, she beamed from ear to ear, and said: "You clever girl!"

It was one of the rare moments in life that left me speechless. I'm aware that this was not a standard response, but I have always interpreted her comment as a conscious choice on her behalf to focus on the miraculous concept of motherhood rather than the negative circumstances under which they had occurred. Regardless that a pregnancy may be unplanned, bearing a child is a unique experience and an accomplishment that one can be proud of. It by no means lessens having to deal with the negative circumstances, and no matter what anyone in your life may say or do in an attempt to help, at the end of the day coming to terms with an unplanned pregnancy remains a deeply personal and individual task.” ~Lisa Cooper


Seek out wise counsel. Whether that's a pastor, a women's group, a trusted family member, or an actual therapist, having someone to use as a sounding board can be a huge help in dealing with whatever feelings you have.


Don't forget to take care of yourself! Eat well, drink plenty of water, exercise, enjoy yoga and meditation, go ahead and splurge on that pretty maternity outfit you really want, even though you'll only wear it for a few months.

Finding out the sex of the baby and naming him/her can help to form a bond and get excited about being a mom. Just being able to refer to the baby as “he” or “she” or better yet as “Zachariah” or “Clara” instead of “it” or “the baby” can make a world of difference in how you feel about your new bub. Something happens when you give things a name. They start to become yours.

Remember that whatever goals you may have been working towards before the pregnancy are still attainable. Work out a plan with your husband and surround yourself with supportive friends and family. It may take a little longer than you had planned, and that's OK.  You'll get there.

Work on getting your finances in order now. Buy a coffee pot and brew your own instead of going through the Starbucks drive through in the morning. Ditch the satellite and go to Netfilx only. Consider cloth diapers. Hit up garage sales or thrift stores for cheap baby clothes. Most of all, don't buy into the Babies R Us hype. Really, babies need a blanket, a boobie, and something to catch the poop. All that other mess is just extra.


Make time for your marriage. Pregnancy and a new baby can be taxing on a relationship when it was planned. It's especially so when not. Making time for your partnership with your husband will help to give you a more positive outlook on life in general, and will help him bond with baby when the time comes.

Relax.  Even if you feel a disconnect with baby now, and you never quite get excited about being pregnant, that wonderful release of oxytocin in labour, and prolactin in breastfeeding will almost certainly ensure a bond with the baby.  Placenta encapsulation can further help even out those roller-coaster pregnancy and postpartum hormones, and restore essential vitamins and minerals.


You may want to read the story of Leslie Layland Fields, who at 43 found out she was pregnant with baby #5 followed shortly thereafter by baby #6.
Surprise Child – Finding Hope in Unexpected Pregnancy

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/parenting/surprise-child-finding-joy-in-unplanned-pregnancy-1465697.html


Just a friendly warning – almost all the following links address the option of abortion. If that isn't something you want to read through, don't! Just citing my references! :)
http://www.babyzone.com/pregnancy/coping-unplanned-pregnancy_71218
http://pregnant.thebump.com/pregnancy/first-trimester/articles/how-to-deal-with-surprise-pregnancy.aspx?MsdVisit=1
http://www.justmommies.com/articles/unplannedpregnancy.shtml