It's OK. You did the best you could at the time with the information and the situation that you had. I think we forget that. I think a lot of times in the natural birth community we get so caught up in the idea of a “better birth” meaning natural, intervention and drug free, that we completely miss that all of us, as mothers, need support. We need to hear that if we didn't have the picture perfect birth that it's OK. We still love our babies. We still did the very best we could. It's really OK.
In the same vein, allow yourself to grieve the birth that you didn't have. I know when I had a traumatic birth with my first child, and a c section with my third, and was disappointed, I heard a lot of “At least you got a healthy baby. That's what matters.” Honestly, that's bull. Of course, the desired outcome is a healthy baby. That shouldn't even be the issue. We're talking here about the health of the mother. When momma isn't healthy, either physically or emotionally, it's terribly difficult for her properly take care of the baby. The birth experience DOES matter, tremendously. The following are quotes from mothers hearing the phrase “At least you had a healthy baby”
“I heard those words after my unnecessary cesarean- they cut like a knife. It was like I owed credit to my doctor that my child was alive and well, instead of I had a healthy baby because I did my best to make sure I had a healthy pregnancy. My cesarean was traumatizing, and recovery was tough and I felt guilty enough for being so gullible in letting the c-section happen in the 1st place because it wasn’t a peaceful birth for my daughter either- those words just piled on more guilt.”
“(it makes me feel) like my feelings don’t count…like I am just a baby machine and I should take everything bad that happened and put it in a box and forget it…its something someone that has never experinced birth trauma would say.”
“I was induced for medical reasons on my due date with my middle baby. I still am upset with that birth experience…. I mean I am happy she is healthy but she was not ready to meet the world yet. I feel like I didn’t give her the start in life that she deserved.”
“As a second class citizen. I had all my babies in hospitals, I didn’t know I had a choice. I would have loved to had them all at home. My first three were mostly uneventful, really my second and third daughters. My first daughter was traumatic due to induction, episiotomy . My last was a c-section, it was AWFUL, the recovery was horrible, I had a giant hemotoma under my incision, etc. I only wish I had known I could have a birth at home with a midwife, I would have.”
“I felt like I was put in a box. I felt like I couldn’t possibly rejoice and breathe a sigh of relief that- in spite of all of the trauma my baby was healthy- and at the same time grieve and mourn the very real physical, mental and emotional trauma I had been through.”
When a woman’s wedding cake tastes like crap, if she didn’t land the part, if a relative passed or is going through a hard break-up, her closest friends and family members don’t say, “tough shit.” At least the good ones don’t.
Rather, a good friend lends a listening ear. A good friend gives hugs, sympathetic cards and flowers, they do not say “get over it.” And the one who is feeling low gets to vent, thus encouraging feelings of acknowledgment, validity and ultimately, relief.
Talk about it with anyone who will lend a sympathetic ear. That's what this group is for. We love to talk about birth! I don't think I've held a single meeting where every single mother attending didn't have at least one disappointing experience. The facebook page is always open for comments or questions. There's also groups like ICAN for cesarean support. Talk about it with your ob or midwife. I don't mean be ugly or anything like that, but expressing your disappointment can be very cathartic. If your experience was negative because of something your care provider did, addressing it with them could lead to a change in policy or practise. Regardless, you put your trust in that person, and if they broke it in some way, it will help you process the disappointment just by simple discussion.
Get help. There's no shame in going to a counselor or taking antidepressants for a period of time. Be sure to let your doctor know if your breastfeeding, so they can give you a medication that's compatible with nursing, and if they tell you they can't, FIND ANOTHER DOCTOR!
Write it down. I blog, and just writing it down helped to process my feelings immensely.
Spend some time on yourself. I know that as a mom, it's easy to forget about YOU. I have a particularly difficult time getting away without the kids, but it's good for you. Sometimes, even momma needs a break. Go out with a girlfriend, get a massage, or just go grocery shopping all by yourself.
Exercise. I always find that when I take some time to do something good for myself like take a walk or do some yoga, I have a more positive outlook.
Learn to appreciate the present. Go snuggle that baby, because baby snuggles always make you feel better!
Look to the future. Get a copy of your medial records, and go over them to find out what went wrong, and make a plan of action to avoid, if at all possible, the same situation.
http://www.pregnancyandbaby.com/pregnancy/articles/945729/overcoming-a-traumatic-or-disappointing-childbirth-experience
http://bringbirthhome.com/birth-experience/birth-experience-matters/
this is profound...keep up the goo work....Carla
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